Givers can succeed! Just read Give and Take by Adam Grant, an organizational psychology book about the differences between the reciprocity styles of the giver, matcher, and taker. Grant argues that the giver's reciprocity style actually achieves the greatest success. As a teacher, mentor, and guide, I strive to be an otherish giver concerned for both my own interest and for my students' interests. Selfless self-sacrifice would just burn me out or overwhelm me. And acting like a selfish taker simply isn't an option!
Here are some giver strategies:
Here are some giver strategies:
- Give with no strings attached
- Give and ask for five-minute favors
- Make introductions
- Give honest feedback
- Reconnect with dormant ties:
- Find out what they are working on and ways that you can be helpful
- Practice powerless communication, but become an advocate
- Listen more, talk less
- Seek advice more, self-promote less
- Inquire more, advocate less
- Join a community of givers
- Help fund a project
- Launch a personal generosity experiment
- Seek help more often
- Help generously without thought of return
- Test your giver quotient at www.giveandtake.com
I would like to incorporate these concepts into my business English lessons in Istanbul. Students can seek help more often. I can ask my students and clients for advice, too. Let us inquire more and listen more. We can make more introductions and referrals to expand our community. Most importantly, we will practice both the powerless and powerful communication styles. For example, we can focus on how to hesitate, hedge, disclaim, ask tag questions, and use intensifiers for more tentative talk in English.
Givers tend to use a powerless communication style while the takers use a powerful one. Takers and matchers can become more like givers through adopting a powerless communication style:
| powerless communication style | powerful communication style |
| ask questions | talk |
| listen to answers | deliver assertive pitch |
| give others the joy of talking | assert authority |
| show concern for others' interests | self-interest |
| seek advice | project confidence |
| encourage others to take our perspectives | protect ego |
| invite others to make a commitment to us | command physical space |
| make others feel important and helpful | emphasize own importance |
| take others' opinions into consideration | project own opinion |
| bring ideas up gently | sell conviction, pride |
| defer to others | issue threats when necessary |
| do not ask for credit | take credit |
| speak less assertively | speak forcefully |
| express doubt | express certainty |
| signal vulnerability | display strength |
| reveal weakness: call out the elephant in the room | promote accomplishments, credentials |
| use tentative talk | use persuasive talk |
| hestitate: well, um, uh, you know | speak without hesitation |
| hedge: kinda, sorta, maybe, probably, I think | speak with absolutes |
| disclaim: "this may be a bad idea, but" | claim value |
| use tag questions: "that's interesting, isn't it?" or "that's a good idea, right?" | |
| use intensifiers: really, very, quite | |
| establish competence | seek dominance |
| earn trust, respect, warmth, status, prestige | command status, prestige |
The most successful giver combines both a concern for self-interest and for others' interests. This avoids the pathological altruism of the selfless giver who becomes overwhelmed, burns out, or gets
| concern for others' interests | |||
| low | high | ||
concern for self-interest
| low | apathetic: matchers -- strings attached | selfless: self-sacrificing givers -- overwhelming, burn out, get burned |
| high | selfish: takers | otherish: succesful givers -- no strings attached, careful not to overextend | |
I tested my giver quotient on www.giveandtake.com. Here are my results:
87% giver
13% matcher
Landmark studies show that giving, taking, and matching are three fundamental styles of interacting with others, and they exist in every culture on earth. In our networks and relationships, are we aiming to claim, contribute, or exchange value?Although we all do a mix of the three, groundbreaking research demonstrates that we each have a primary style, or a default tendency. According to your ratings, your primary style is giver. This means that in your interactions with others, your core motivation is to contribute as much as you can. You probably spend many of your waking hours helping others, connecting people who can benefit from knowing each other, and offering mentoring and advice.
When you develop new connections, you might look at your expanded network as a way to benefit more people. When you collaborate with others, you’re probably inclined to put the good of the group above your own interests, and you may go out of your way to share credit. When you evaluate people, you look for potential, often seeing the best in others. At the bargaining table, odds are that you’re concerned not only about your own outcome, but also about leaving your negotiating counterparts better off.
Yes, I feel this is true.
Here are some websites Grant recommends: